Saturday, June 11, 2005

"Catholic" Apologist Matatics Gets Amnesia, Declares Self "Schismatic"

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Only hours after falling from a 12-ft ladder at his home in Pennsylvania Tuesday and suffering amnesia, one-time respected Catholic apologist Gerry Matatics denounced himself as a "schismatic."

"Who in the heck is this nutball?" Matatics purpotedly asked his wife while watching a DVD he starred in and produced, denouncing the Novus Ordo mass. When his wife informed him that he was the nutball, Matatics had to be physically restrained, but not before he threw eggs and toast at the TV screen and yelled, "Schismatic! That guy is in schism!"

Matatics, former friend of apologist Scott Hahn, and president of Biblical Foundations International, fell from a ladder while doing some caulking on his home in Dunmore. Although he suffered superficial cuts and bruises from the fall, he walked away with a severe case of amnesia. Physicians are not sure whether the condition is permanent.

In his role as president of Biblical Foundations International, Matatics declared a long list of people to be in schism, including: Apologist Scott Hahn, the entire staff of Catholic Answers, Pope John Paul II and Mother Teresa. He even questioned the faith of canonized saints, such as Augustine and Thomas More.

Following the outburst, Matatics was reported to be resting comfortably, and visitors were being turned away. It is not known yet whether Matatics will allow himself to run Biblical Foundation International now that his beliefs conflict with his own.

Striving to be a Higher Being