Monday, May 05, 2008

McCain Campaign Staffers Debate Whether Future Wars Should Be Waged Against ‘Whoever’ or ‘Whomever’

Photo courtesy ABC news
McCain at a recent campaign rally.

WASHINGTON, D.C. –-John McCain campaign staffers debated how to best warn the nations of the world of their impending demise in a grammatically correct way during a breakfast meeting at campaign headquarters yesterday.

“Could someone please just tell me whether President McCain will go to war with whoever or whomever?”John Jenkins, head speechwriter for McCain asked the other staffers as he threw down his bagel. “Damn, I just wish the AP Stylebook were as clear as Augustine’s just war theory.”

The debate began when the campaign and policy team came together to write the week’s stump speeches, news releases and talking points.

“Well, we’ve got to come to an agreement on this, otherwise three-fourths of the globe won’t sufficiently understand they’ve just been put on notice,” said Judy Gunnells, communications director for the McCain campaign. “Every despot east of New Jersey is going to laugh at us if we don’t use whomever,” she said. “Against. It’s a preposition, people. This sentence is just crying out for whomever.”

“Yeah, but it sounds weird,” said Tom Clemmons, lead pollster for the campaign. “We’re the Straight Talk Express for crying out loud, not the Strunk & White trolley.”

Jenkins said he appreciated the diversity of thought among staffers. “No one can accuse us of not having lively debate in this campaign,” he said. “Nobody can accuse us of groupthink, that’s for sure.”

“Hey everybody, let’s not emasculate President McCain’s words before they even come out of his mouth by using whomever,” said Clemmons. “All the leaders out there need to understand that if they even think about weapons of mass destruction, that President McCain will plunge their countries into 100 years of bitter war or at least of American occupation, if we’re lucky.”

“Yeah, but you know Obama is going to use who and whom correctly,” said Gunnells. “The New York Times will notice, too.”

“Yes, but where’s his credibility, anyway? Obama also thinks we should talk to the leaders of Iraq, Iran, Syria, North Korea, Serbia, Russia and China,” said Clemmons. “Am I leaving out anybody? Probably. Anyway, for shorthand, let’s just say the Eastern Hemisphere. Obama wants to talk to the leaders of the Eastern Hemisphere. What….an elitist jackass.”

Jenkins agreed. “Yeah, that is completely quixotic,” he said. “Obama is really tilting at windmills.”

Striving to be a Higher Being