Thursday, April 24, 2008

The Perks of Faith-based Marketing


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“I suspect the Pope’s immigration comments may have less to do with spreading the gospel than they do about recruiting new members of the church…This isn’t preaching it is ‘faith based’ marketing,” Rep. Tom Tancredo, Colorado
--Fr. Gaenswein, ask the marketing group to come in now.
--Yes, your holiness. (exits the room)
(Three American men in business suits and a female in a purple dress walk in the room.)
--Pope Benedict, it is such an honor to meet you. (one of the men says while shaking the Pope’s hand)
(The other members of the group shake the Pope’s hand)
--Your holiness, we have put together a presentation of how the Catholic Church should go about recruiting new members.
(Pope Benedict nods and smiles, gesturing to each member of the group to sit.)
--As part of the faith-based marketing plan, we think you should continue saying things like you have in the past—taking a strong stand against birth control, abortion, divorce, gay marriage, etc. All those things are unpopular and repel members, but we feel all of this makes you stand out, makes you a religious leader with an edge….
--…But here is the kicker (interrupts one of the other men)—We think you should start encouraging Mexicans to leave Mexico and go to the United States. This is going to be what really causes the Church to explode. …Sure many of them will abandon Catholicism for evangelical churches, and many more will start imitating other Americans by using birth control and limiting their families.
--..(the third man interrupts) And, true, many of these Mexicans will not be making decent wages and won’t have much to throw in the basket on Sunday…..Well, anyway, it sounds good, though, huh?
(Pope Benedict pauses and strokes his chin.) I will have to think about it. All of this – this marketing and such is new to me. It’s something I will need to think over tonight. People keep telling me, “You need to get a Facebook account. The kids will love it.” I just don’t know. Let me think about it. It does sound promising, though.

“Open borders benefit Catholic churches looking to
fill their pews and collection baskets.” – Michelle Malkin
--You are so naïve, my son.
--Holy Father, I am trying my best to understand.
--I know, Georg. This isn’t about the Gospel. This about shifting around Mexicans until we get the desired result.
--I see.
--People say if we just changed our stance on birth control or divorce or abortion, we would fill more pews, fill more collection baskets...
--Yes, but that would be—
--But this way is a lot more challenging, interesting. Don’t you think?
--(smiles and nods) You’re right. I think I’m understanding.
--Just think of the money that will start pouring in here as a result of these migrant workers doing backbreaking work that no American wants to do. I hear people who pick lettuce all day make a lot of money, and you know where all that money is going to go. (smiles)
--Right. (nods and laughs)
--OK, see if you can do what you can to smuggle about 500 Mexicans across the Texas border by Saturday.


Striving to be a Higher Being