The Perks of Faith-based Marketing

Photo courtesy of campusprogress.org

Special to catholicnews.org

“I suspect the Pope’s immigration comments may have less to do with spreading the gospel than they do about recruiting new members of the church…This isn’t preaching it is ‘faith based’ marketing,” Rep. Tom Tancredo, Colorado

--Fr. Gaenswein, ask the marketing group to come in now.

--Yes, your holiness. (exits the room)
(Three American men in business suits and a female in a purple dress walk in the room.)

--Pope Benedict, it is such an honor to meet you. (one of the men says while shaking the Pope’s hand)

(The other members of the group shake the Pope’s hand)

--Your holiness, we have put together a presentation of how the Catholic Church should go about recruiting new members.

(Pope Benedict nods and smiles, gesturing to each member of the group to sit.)

--As part of the faith-based marketing plan, we think you should continue saying things like you have in the past—taking a strong stand against birth control, abortion, divorce, gay marriage, etc. All those things are unpopular and repel members, but we feel all of this makes you stand out, makes you a religious leader with an edge….
--…But here is the kicker (interrupts one of the other men)—We think you should start encouraging Mexicans to leave Mexico and go to the United States. This is going to be what really causes the Church to explode. …Sure many of them will abandon Catholicism for evangelical churches, and many more will start imitating other Americans by using birth control and limiting their families.
--..(the third man interrupts) And, true, many of these Mexicans will not be making decent wages and won’t have much to throw in the basket on Sunday…..Well, anyway, it sounds good, though, huh?
(Pope Benedict pauses and strokes his chin.) I will have to think about it. All of this – this marketing and such is new to me. It’s something I will need to think over tonight. People keep telling me, “You need to get a Facebook account. The kids will love it.” I just don’t know. Let me think about it. It does sound promising, though.

“Open borders benefit Catholic churches looking to
fill their pews and collection baskets.” – Michelle Malkin

--You are so naïve, my son.

--Holy Father, I am trying my best to understand.

--I know, Georg. This isn’t about the Gospel. This about shifting around Mexicans until we get the desired result.

--I see.

--People say if we just changed our stance on birth control or divorce or abortion, we would fill more pews, fill more collection baskets...

--Yes, but that would be—

--But this way is a lot more challenging, interesting. Don’t you think?

--(smiles and nods) You’re right. I think I’m understanding.

--Just think of the money that will start pouring in here as a result of these migrant workers doing backbreaking work that no American wants to do. I hear people who pick lettuce all day make a lot of money, and you know where all that money is going to go. (smiles)
--Right. (nods and laughs)
--OK, see if you can do what you can to smuggle about 500 Mexicans across the Texas border by Saturday.

Mayor Ray Nagin Gives Up New Orleans for Lent

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin Announces His Lent Plans to a Drunken Crowd.


NEW ORLEANS -- While Christians across the world give up chocolate, alcohol and coffee for Lent, Mayor Ray Nagin of New Orleans announced today he made the painful decision to give up the entire City of New Orleans for 40 days or so.

"I love New Orleans and I love thinking about this city," said Nagin. "So, as an act of penance, for the next 40 days, I am going to take my family back to our other home in Dallas, and not think about New Orleans at all. It will be painful. This will be a lot like the act of penance I performed last year during Hurricane Katrina."

As part of his Lenten fast, Nagin said he will not do any economic development brainstorming, or meet with governmental or business officials. After a day of participating in Fat Tuesday parades, his last order of business Tuesday night was making copies of his business plan, "The Chocolate Milk Analogy," at a 24-hour Kinko's on Canal Street.

"The Chocolate Milk Analogy," a five-page document, details Nagin's childhood love of chocolate milk, and how, despite what he said to the media in the past, the milk really is just as important as the chocolate in making both a good beverage and an exciting coastal city. In the meantime, Nagin said he has set up a suggestions box outside his office so the few remaining New Orleans residents can submit ideas for economic development.

"I want to remind everyone before I leave that I am the only elected official who has a plan for this city," he said. "Just remember that, and remind me when I come back."

Gov. Kathleen Blanco in a news release stated that she is so impressed by Nagin's Lenten sacrifice she has decided to give up the entire state of Louisiana. "One of the most meaningful things in my life is to be able to empathize with the citizens of Louisiana. I cried on television during the hurricanes, I continue to show concern about the UAE port deal, and yesterday I lashed out at the government for wanting to disband the 256th Infantry Brigade," said Blanco. "I think one of the most selfless acts of penance I can do this year is to emotionally detach from this state and its problems, and perhaps do something. I hope you'll join me."

Nagin said he appreciated Blanco's support finally, and added that despite running out of ideas, he believes he can win the mayoral election in April. "If I do win, don't worry, I can effectively govern from my home in Dallas, just like I did last year."

White House Hires UAE Firm to Spy on Catholic Worker Volunteers, Other Threats to Terror

Dubai Hearts America employees are coming to a Catholic Worker House near you.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a news conference today, President Bush said he just learned that his administration hired a UAE firm last week to spy on Catholic Worker volunteers and other groups, but said the action was necessary to fight the war on terror and reward Middle Eastern allies.

"I learned about the hiring this morning at breakfast from one of the wait staff as he was handing me a bagel," said Bush. "Anyway, I think it is a terrific idea. When my gardner told me more about the UAE company later in the day, I was even more impressed," said Bush, as he slapped Marvin Ellis, a White House gardner on the back.

"Marvin's right. We need to reward those Middle Eastern countries that play right, while punishing groups that threaten our freedom, such as the Catholic Worker and the Newman Club. We are going to smoke the terrorists out of the soup kitchens."

Dubai Hearts America, the UAE intelligence and consulting firm the White House hired, will send eavesdropping experts and specially equipped surveillance vans to Catholic Worker soup kitchens, PETA rallies, peace demonstrations at Catholic schools, Cardinal Newman Society meetings, Girl Scout Troups and Little Flower Group meetings, as well as Novus Ordo Catholic masses.

"I hear the Latin masses don't do the "peace be with you bit, so we aren't interested in them," said Bush. "Plus, I doubt any of us would understand a damn thing they were saying anyway."

Bush said he understands that the UAE's record isn't spotless, but that they should be given the benefit of the doubt. "I know they didn't cooperate with us when we were trying to track down Osama Bin Laden's bank accounts,and the UAE has been a key transfer point for illegal shipments of nuclear components to Iran, North Korea and Libya," said Bush. "OK, but so what? Those Catholic Worker people are pacifists, got that?"

Bush added that he will use his veto power against any congressional legislation aimed at stopping the contract with Dubai Hearts America. "I may not always know what's going on, but once I find out, I stick to my guns and support it, and everyone will just have to trust me."

Bush Adminstration Wiretapped Catholic Masses without Warrants

"Peace Be with You" Exchanges Viewed as "Troubling"



WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President George W. Bush today admitted to circumventing the FISA (Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act) court in order to wiretap Catholic Churches, listen in on masses, and "smoke out" terrorists who might harm American interests.

"Yes, I had Catholic Churches wiretapped without warrants, and as Commander-in-Chief, I will continue to do so," said Bush. "It's wartime, and I'm not going to waste any time reviewing the Constitution about this."

Administration officials speaking on condition of anonymity said the White House found the "Peace be with you"exchanges between priests and congregation particularly troubling. "Peace be with you, and also with you? Yeah, we're obviously dealing with a bunch of radicals here, people who are against the war. What's next? A kneel-in, er, sit in?" asked the official.

Officials also stated that emphasis on certain Biblical passages show a lack of patriotism on the part of Catholics.

"During wartime, we really don't need to hear about Jesus fussing at Peter after he cut the soldier's ear off," said one official. "We also don't need to hear about all that turning the other cheek mess, either. What we need to hear -- and what the American public needs to hear during wartime -- is more about Jesus dividing households and such. You know, the eye for eye, tooth for a tooth passages."

President Bush added that he doesn't believe the wiretapping is curtailing freedom of speech or freedom of religion rights. "I don't pay any attention to polls, but believe me, this is what the people want," said Bush.