Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Man Gets Birthday Wish, Church Ceases to Exist

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Birthday Cake Becomes Catalyst for Change

NEWARK, N.J. -- When John Holland closed his eyes, made a wish and blew out the 46 candles on the birthday cake his wife made him, he had no idea how badly the rest of his day would go.

In just a matter of hours, classical works by Homer, Ovid and Vergil disintegrated, Europe was overun by Moors and is now under a theocratic dictatorship, works by Michaelangelo and other artists vanished, the slave trade resurrected, his wife ceased to be, and 2000 years of unsaid prayers went unanswered.

He said he wished the Catholic Church never existed.

"That afternoon,I was reading the last page of the Aeneid when all the words vanished off the pages, and the book just crumbled to pieces," said Holland, a general medical practitioner. Words weren't the only thing to disappear. Apparently, the letter "J" was also a casualty of the birthday wish gone awry. "I'm known as Ohn now," he said.

Following the birthday wish, Holland's home and land morphed into an apartment building that is property of McDonald's Hamburgers. The fast-food restaurant, now based in China, leases apartments to Newark residents. "The golden arches shine in my bedroom at night and keep me up," he said. "All my clothes have Coca-Cola logos on them."

According to Holland, it is a good thing he has the Coca-cola clothes. The birthday wish left the planet without hospitals or universities, so he has a minimum-wage position as a street sweeper.

"The worst part of it, besides not knowing where my wife is, is that I can't find any cappuchino anywhere. This was definitely a big mistake," Ohn said.

Striving to be a Higher Being