White House Hires UAE Firm to Spy on Catholic Worker Volunteers, Other Threats to Terror
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a news conference today, President Bush said he just learned that his administration hired a UAE firm last week to spy on Catholic Worker volunteers and other groups, but said the action was necessary to fight the war on terror and reward Middle Eastern allies.
"I learned about the hiring this morning at breakfast from one of the wait staff as he was handing me a bagel," said Bush. "Anyway, I think it is a terrific idea. When my gardner told me more about the UAE company later in the day, I was even more impressed," said Bush, as he slapped Marvin Ellis, a White House gardner on the back.
"Marvin's right. We need to reward those Middle Eastern countries that play right, while punishing groups that threaten our freedom, such as the Catholic Worker and the Newman Club. We are going to smoke the terrorists out of the soup kitchens."
Dubai Hearts America, the UAE intelligence and consulting firm the White House hired, will send eavesdropping experts and specially equipped surveillance vans to Catholic Worker soup kitchens, PETA rallies, peace demonstrations at Catholic schools, Cardinal Newman Society meetings, Girl Scout Troups and Little Flower Group meetings, as well as Novus Ordo Catholic masses.
"I hear the Latin masses don't do the "peace be with you bit, so we aren't interested in them," said Bush. "Plus, I doubt any of us would understand a damn thing they were saying anyway."
Bush said he understands that the UAE's record isn't spotless, but that they should be given the benefit of the doubt. "I know they didn't cooperate with us when we were trying to track down Osama Bin Laden's bank accounts,and the UAE has been a key transfer point for illegal shipments of nuclear components to Iran, North Korea and Libya," said Bush. "OK, but so what? Those Catholic Worker people are pacifists, got that?"
Bush added that he will use his veto power against any congressional legislation aimed at stopping the contract with Dubai Hearts America. "I may not always know what's going on, but once I find out, I stick to my guns and support it, and everyone will just have to trust me."