U.S. Kills Al Qaeda’s No. 2 Leader for 89th Time

Another No. 2 leader has reportedly been killed, according to U.S. Officials.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – For the 89th time, the U.S. has reportedly killed Al Qaeda’s No. 2 leader, U.S. officials announced today.

A CIA airstrike occurred late Saturday evening in the remote mountains of Afghanistan, northeast of Ghanzi, reportedly killing No. 2 Al Qaeda leader Aamir al-Ackdar. Al-Ackdar’s body has not been found, and it has not been confirmed if he has been killed in the airstrike. However, his goat’s remains were identified, and the goat’s leash – a rope-- was frayed.

“If this actually happened, it is terrific news for the U.S. War on Terror,” said Scott Andrews, a White House spokesman. “There just seems to be no end in site of No. 2 guys with this group, but we’re committed to killing every one of them, even if we have to plunge our country into a thousand years of war. It is like the entire Middle East is just a horde of No. 2s.”

Conservative columnist Richard Thiessen said this news is just the boost the White House and the supporters of the Iraq War need right now. “People kept talking last week about the 4,000 dead American soldiers that have been killed in Iraq,” said Thiessen. “But what about this? We just killed the No. 2 Al Qaeda guy for the 89th time. Eighty-nine is a really big number.”

President Bush, who met with presumed GOP presidential nominee John McCain today, interrupted his meeting to talk to reporters about the airstrike. “If we keep reportedly killing these No. 2 guys…well, I guess it means Osama bin Laden will have fewer people to collaborate with,” Bush said. “In fact, I heard a rumor today that they are having a really hard time filling those No. 2 slots over in Afghanistan because of what we are doing. The No. 3 guys don’t want to move up. We are doing our best to make Al Qaeda a really undesirable organization to be a part of.”

Although previous No. 2 leaders in Al Qaeda were responsible for masterminding bombings and coordinating terror plots, al-Ackdar, who was new to the position, had not been trained in some of the more intricate inner workings of Al Qaeda. A CIA operative, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that al-Ackdar, “ran errands and ran the video camera when various Al Qaeda leaders wanted to get a message out there,” but added, “He had the potential to be one dangerous guy, far off in the distant future.”

The last Al Qaeda No. 2 operative, Haitham al-Sharif, was reportedly killed two months ago, after a “really intense question and answer session,” according to a U.S. official who agreed to speak on condition of anonymity. Local Pakistani goat herders in the region at the time of al-Sharif’s reported death claim the operative was tortured. However, the U.S. official speaking on condition of anonymity said the report was “ridiculous,” as the U.S. has a history of “treating prisoners humanely.”

Andrews said he is optimistic about the future course of the war. “We are already tracking the new No. 2, as well as the No. 3, and 4 guys in Al Qaeda, and some of them have ties to Iran,” he said. “Yeah, Iran.”

Indiana Man Miffed $25 Donation Only Garners Downspout

'The UAE donates $100 million to Katrina Aid and gets our ports, and all I get is this?'

For his $25 donation, Harold Moore was given a downspout somewhere in Pakistan.

INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA-- An Indiana man said he is angry that his $25 donation to earthquake relief in Pakistan qualifies him for a downspout, while the UAE "gets the whole store" for their $100 million donation to Hurricane Katrina relief.

"Basically for my contribution, a downspout has been dedicated to me and my family," said Harold Moore, an electrical engineer who works for Dawson Industries in Indianapolis. "I'll never get to see or touch this downspout because it is attached to someone's house in Pakistan. There is no plaque, no engraving. Let's just say I've got a bad taste in my mouth from trying to help the needy."

Pundits and politicians from former President Jimmy Carter to Condoleeza Rice have said DP World, a UAE company, should be able to take control of six U.S. ports, based on the two countries' longstanding frienship, which includes a $100 million donation that UAE made to Hurricane Katrina relief.

"I guess the UAE gets whatever they want for being generous," said Moore. "What's next? Our nuclear power plants and naval ships? How do I get some of that?"

Many countries donated money to the U.S. in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, the category 5 hurricane that hit parts of Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana. Jamaica and Guatemala, two of the poorest countries in the world, donated thousands of dollars to Hurricane Katrina relief. As of yet, no officials from the two countries have claimed the Sno-Cone stand in Kenner, La., and the laundromat in Foley, Ala., the two pieces of real estate those donations have garnered.

"Our people were moved by the images they saw of hurricane victims, so our government made the decision to help our friends to the north," said Romone Davies, a government official in Kingston, Jamaica."We really don't want anything in return."

Moore said the UAE port deal makes him very angry about his own situation. "For $25, I should at least get a street sign or a drainage ditch," he said. "At least a drainage ditch is real estate, so to speak. It's not fair."

Out of Respect for Islam, CNN to Halt Coverage of Islamic Countries, Events

ATLANTA -- Out of Respect for the religion of Islam, CNN President Jonathan N. Klein announced today that the network will no longer air content that is offensive to the religion's followers, including any other material that distorts the image of the "religion of peace."

"Two weeks ago, we made the maverick decision not to air the Mohammed cartoons -- not because all of us in Atlanta are afraid of being turned into human shish kabobs-- but because we don't want to offend the followers of this great world religion," said Klein. "The fact that we're still alive-- er, I mean--that we've gotten positive feedback from the world, shows we made the right decision."

As part of the new policy, CNN will not air any material that depicts Islamic followers involved in violent acts, since that goes against tenets of the Islam, the religion of peace. As a result, CNN reporters, producers, and camera crews today pulled out of Brunei, Chad, Comoros, Cote d'Ivoire, Dijibouti, Ethiopia, Eritrea, Egypt, Gambia, Guinea, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Jordan, Kuwait, Kazakhstan, Krygyzstan, Lebanon, Libya, Maldives, Malaysia, Mali, Mauritania, Morocco, Niger, Nigeria, Oman, Pakistan, Palestine, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan, Albania, Algeria, Azerbajan, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Burkina Faso, Senegal, Sierra Leone, Somalia, Sudan, Syria, Tajikistan, Turkey, Tunisia, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, United Arab Emirates, Yemen, Chechnya, Eastern Timor, as well as parts of Detroit and Washington D.C.

"Since there won't be any news we can broadcast from those areas, there is no reason to keep news crews there,"he said. "If you look at our website today, you will notice it's pretty much Dick Cheney and Britney Spears."

When asked who would cover events in Islamic countries, Klein responded, "We'll leave it to MSNBC and some of those other guys. I heard the Food Channel might do something on Middle Eastern cuisine in the near future. You can check there."

Klein said he assured CNN staffers there will be no layoffs. "Some of these producers and reporters will be sent to the Vatican," he said. "There are so many accounts of how the Church is oppressing women, the poor and dissenters.As a news organization with a conscience, we want to get to the bottom of those stories."

Welcome Anchoress, Pajamas Media, World Tribune, Happy Catholic and Dr. Sanity readers!

Tanzanian Paper Publishes Cartoons Mocking Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Genealogy Service

Latter Day Saints React With 'Pouting', Coffee Drinking

Some LDS members say cartoons "aren't nice."

DAR-ES-SALAAM, TANZANIA -- Latter Day Saints (LDS) across the world have reacted with mild irritation in response to a Tanzanian's newspaper editor's decision to run cartoons mocking the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints' well-known genealogy service.

"This just isn't very nice," said Elder Adam Hunington, 19, of the cartoons that appeared in the online version of the Dar-Es-Salaam Express News. "This cartoon shows a man setting his computer on fire after having trouble finding his ancestors on our genealogy website. I've never found our genealogy service website to be that hard to maneuver. This cartoon seems a bit unfair to me."

Twelve cartoons of the Choir and genealogy service ran in the Dar-Es-Salaam Express News over the weekend. Editor Mfaume Wakil said he ran the contest to "shake things up a bit." "I don't think anyone was too upset over it, though," he said. "Although when I waved to a couple of Mormon missionaries this morning, they just biked on by and didn't wave back or smile. Maybe they are pouting a bit."

Edgar Dobson, a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, said the cartoons depicting the choir caused him some distress. "Yes, it sort of upset me to see that someone had drawn a picture of Michael Jackson and Spongebob Squarepants singing with us, as if that would ever happen," Dobson said. "Let's just put it this way, I had my first cup of coffee in several months because of it."

Some prominent LDS members are discussing what they can do to show their displeasure over the cartoons. "I just may never play in Tanzania," said Donny Osmond, singer and member of the well-known Osmond Family singers. "Oh, I don't know, though. That seems a little mean. If they asked me to come there, I might do it."

Wakil said he stands behind his decision to run the cartoon contest. "It is important to promote freedom of speech,"he said. "But if those missionaries keep giving me the silent treament, I might run a retraction."

Bush Adminstration Wiretapped Catholic Masses without Warrants

"Peace Be with You" Exchanges Viewed as "Troubling"



WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President George W. Bush today admitted to circumventing the FISA (Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act) court in order to wiretap Catholic Churches, listen in on masses, and "smoke out" terrorists who might harm American interests.

"Yes, I had Catholic Churches wiretapped without warrants, and as Commander-in-Chief, I will continue to do so," said Bush. "It's wartime, and I'm not going to waste any time reviewing the Constitution about this."

Administration officials speaking on condition of anonymity said the White House found the "Peace be with you"exchanges between priests and congregation particularly troubling. "Peace be with you, and also with you? Yeah, we're obviously dealing with a bunch of radicals here, people who are against the war. What's next? A kneel-in, er, sit in?" asked the official.

Officials also stated that emphasis on certain Biblical passages show a lack of patriotism on the part of Catholics.

"During wartime, we really don't need to hear about Jesus fussing at Peter after he cut the soldier's ear off," said one official. "We also don't need to hear about all that turning the other cheek mess, either. What we need to hear -- and what the American public needs to hear during wartime -- is more about Jesus dividing households and such. You know, the eye for eye, tooth for a tooth passages."

President Bush added that he doesn't believe the wiretapping is curtailing freedom of speech or freedom of religion rights. "I don't pay any attention to polls, but believe me, this is what the people want," said Bush.

Lemonade Stand Audited After Youth Makes Political Statement

MEMPHIS, TENN. -- According to Patrick Davis, his lemonade stand was audited by the IRS (Internal Revenue Service) today, as the result of an anti-war statement he made last week.

Davis, 8, said that as he made change to a customer last week, he said mentioned that he "misses his dad a lot," and "hates this stupid war." A few days later, IRS agents raided the lemonade stand, and demanded to see receipts.

Davis' father, Stanley, is currently serving in Baghdad with the Tennessee National Guard.

Anthony Mallett, a field agent with the IRS, said the reason for the audit has nothing to do with Davis' "anti-war tirade, but everything to do with the fact that his business expenses clearly exceed his income."

Davis was visited by Mallet today and asked to submit receipts for sugar, lemons, plastic cups, ice,and other materials involved in running the stand with his brother, Alex, 10. After two weeks in business, the lemonade stand has generated $10 in revenue.

Several neighbors who frequented the lemonade stand said they will be happy when the controversy dies down. "He really needs to watch it," said Martin Cooper, a civil engineer who lives three houses down from Davis. "He is sending a mixed-message to the enemy, and really bringing down the morale of the troops when he makes over-the-top statements like he did."

Rita Morrison, who lives across the street from Davis, agreed. "Next thing you know, Patrick is going to start sending chocolate chip cookies to Saddam Hussein. Haven't our boys in uniform been through enough? I don't care if Patrick is donating the proceeds to the Humane Society. They ought to take away his tax exempt status over this one, or at least put him in time out."

Patrick's brother, Alex, said the audit has probably destroyed their business. "We were really excited, because Mom had agreed to give us $8 this week to buy Splenda so we could start selling diet lemonade, too. But, selling lemonade just isn't that much fun now."

Karen Davenport, a regular customer at the stand who overheard the anti-war rhetoric, said she is probably in the minority, but feels sympathy for the Davis boys. "They do miss their dad," she said. "Plus, when it comes right down to it, doesn't everybody hate war?"