Monday, January 23, 2006

The American Association of Abortion Providers (AAAP) Gears Up for Weekend in Miami

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AAAP to Enjoy Weekend of Fun, Fellowship and Professional Development in Miami.

In honor of the 33rd anniversary of Roe v. Wade, here is a story catholicnews covered last year.

MIAMI -- The American Association of Abortion Providers (AAAP) is getting ready to enjoy some fun, sun, networking,and professional development when the 5th Annual Summer Convention kicks off, Aug. 1, at the Grande Pointe Resort in Miami.

"We started this association so that our members could get the latest industry news and information, and sharpen their professional skills," said Gina Morton, 2005 president of AAAP. "Abortion providers are important to this nation's economy. Many people don't realize it, but abortion providers pump tens of thousands of dollars into the economy every year. This convention itself will inject thousands of dollars in revenue into the local economy."

While in Miami, members will have the opportunity to attend a wide array of professional enrichment courses and seminars, including: "Marketing Abortion in Inner-City Neighborhoods," "Spanish 101: Publicizing Your Clinic to the Immigrant Market," "PR Focus: Pass the Margaritas: Combating Post-Abortive Depression," and "Governmental Affairs: Is Your State Pro-Parent?"

"We want to train our members in the latest public relations techniques and skills," said Don Lerner,AAAP public relations director. "Fortunately for us, the media has not scrutinized our industry in the same way they have others, such as the pet store or manicure boutique industries, for example. However, there may come a day when the media may do investigations of abortion clinic cleanliness, industry ethics, or the suicide rate of women who have had abortions. So, when and if that day comes, our members will be ready to get their message out there."

Lerner said this convention is a must for abortion providers. "We want our people to get their clinics and services into communities. We need to advertise more and be proud of what we do. Look at how the cigarette industry, and convenience stores such as Seven-Eleven got into poorer Urban areas and really set up shop. We need to do that.We need to be right there providing our services."

The association is even selling shirts as part of a new PR initiative. The pink baby doll shirts are studded with the rhinestone message, "I Had One. So *&%$# What?" "We are sending complimentary t-shirts to Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan. It would be so awesome to open up US magazine one day and see a picture of one of these ladies wearing one of our shirts, and walking their dogs. We hope that will happen," said Lerner. "It doesn't even matter if these ladies have even had one. We think the shirt will be so popular, girls will say they did, even if they didn't!"

For her part, Morton said she can't wait for the event. "It will be so great to network with other abortion providers. We are so lucky to be living in a post-Roe v. Wade economy. Let the margaritas flow!"

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Friday, January 13, 2006

Hasbro Launches New Jolie-Pitt World Domination! Game

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Live Vicariously Through Jolie and Conquer the World

NEW YORK -- Buy children away from hungry Third World mothers, rack up honorary citizenships from other lands, and be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize just for having great hair with Hasbro's exciting new game: Jolie-Pitt World Domination!

The new computer game, inspired and partly developed by Hollywood supercouple Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, features Sims-like characters engaging in all types of challenges, including meeting with your stylist in order to choose a smart, yet sexy outfit, for a last-minute U.N. meeting; dodging paparazzi; impressing your new leading man/leading lady; setting up the perfect photo-op in small, impoverished African village, and more. As Jolie and Pitt, use your good looks and powers of empathy to overtake the entire planet. Points are scored on the basis of favorable news clippings and positive poll numbers.

All proceeds from World Domination will be given to The United Nation's Children's Fund.

Brad Pitt said he is pleased with his latest charitable endeavor. "Hasbro has partnered with us to help wipe out poverty in our time," said Pitt. "It can be done, and I don't know why wiping out poverty hasn't been thought of before. It just makes so much sense."

Jolie, who could not be reached for comment because she is filming her new movie, "The Good Shepherd" on location, purportedly told a Dominican Republic aid worker on Tuesday, "Yes, I am pleased with the World Domination! game." The aid worker told Extra! magazine's Billy Bush that as Jolie spoke, a nimbus appeared around her head and the gentle sound of angel wings fluttering could be heard in the distance. The aid worker added that Jolie "is a real hottie."

Pitt reportedly told an African aid worker he thinks Jolie should be considered for some type of honorary sainthood from the Catholic Church, in addition to her honorary Cambodian citizenship. "Spending the day with Angie is like spending the day with Mother Teresa. Well, except without all those annoying moral constraints."


Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Bush Adminstration Wiretapped Catholic Masses without Warrants

"Peace Be with You" Exchanges Viewed as "Troubling"

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WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President George W. Bush today admitted to circumventing the FISA (Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act) court in order to wiretap Catholic Churches, listen in on masses, and "smoke out" terrorists who might harm American interests.

"Yes, I had Catholic Churches wiretapped without warrants, and as Commander-in-Chief, I will continue to do so," said Bush. "It's wartime, and I'm not going to waste any time reviewing the Constitution about this."

Administration officials speaking on condition of anonymity said the White House found the "Peace be with you"exchanges between priests and congregation particularly troubling. "Peace be with you, and also with you? Yeah, we're obviously dealing with a bunch of radicals here, people who are against the war. What's next? A kneel-in, er, sit in?" asked the official.

Officials also stated that emphasis on certain Biblical passages show a lack of patriotism on the part of Catholics.

"During wartime, we really don't need to hear about Jesus fussing at Peter after he cut the soldier's ear off," said one official. "We also don't need to hear about all that turning the other cheek mess, either. What we need to hear -- and what the American public needs to hear during wartime -- is more about Jesus dividing households and such. You know, the eye for eye, tooth for a tooth passages."

President Bush added that he doesn't believe the wiretapping is curtailing freedom of speech or freedom of religion rights. "I don't pay any attention to polls, but believe me, this is what the people want," said Bush.

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Weird Meme

Generally, I don't do the meme thing, as I feel it could potentially chip away at my "bigger-than-life persona." However, since my politically progressive Anglican blogger friend from the Great White North, Cycles, tagged me, I thought I would give it a whirl: are five weird things about me....

1)Sometimes when I get stressed out or really into a project, I will squeeze my face.Yeah, it's weird and I have done it since childhood. Maybe this is a mild case of Tourette's; I have no idea. Sometimes I don't even realize I am doing it. Then, I immediately look around to see if anybody noticed.

2) When I was a child, I thought numbers had gender. You know, one is a boy and two is a girl. I mean...not that I still think that or anything.

3) Some people say they have OCD, but I really do. Plus, I have a bad shorterm memory. On several occasions, when single, I thoughtI accidentally took too much Benadryl and called Poison Control, concerned I might die. Fortunately,my old roommate had a good sense of humor and thought it was funny that Poison Control called us in the middle of the night on two separate occasions to see if I were still alive.

4) I can tell when Diet Coke has exceeded its shelf life just on the basis of one gulp.

5) In college, when a professor would give a lecture, I would oftentimes imagine myself typing the words out in my head as he talked. It was an automatic and rather annoying thing.

I had a hard time editing this down to five, btw. I would like to hear from some of the other regulars who have not done this exercise -- Tom, Rick, Maggie, Lucy, et the comboxes.....Warning: this post may self-destruct after awhile.

Striving to be a Higher Being